Story time

There is a LOT of fear-based story going around right now. It’s all anyone seems to be focused on, which is highly frustrating to any Conscious Creators trying to Create a better reality. Never before have I had to completely give up on social media and step back from it to see it from a “this is completely nuts” perspective.

If you consider yourself a Conscious Creator, I ask you: what story are you telling people around you? It is one thing to raise Awareness of things like 5G, the Cabal and Deep State, etc. fear based narratives, and quite another thing entirely to fuel those narratives by feeding your energy AND other’s energy into it.

We have to look at Awareness- bringing like this: anything we share with the greater public has to be from an “adult” who understands Conscious Creation to a “child” who is unaware. You would not (I hope) feed a child’s fear that everyone is going to get sick and die, or everyone is going to be remotely mind controlled and turn into zombies, would you? That child would become inconsolable and exist in a state of panic and terror because they have no conscious control of their thoughts, or the awareness to be able to control their emotions.

You would explain it to child as, “We are being cautious so more people stay healthy, and if we take these actions everyone will get better soon and we can all do the things we like again.” Or, “We need to do some studying and research on how this technology works so we can all feel safe because it’s such a huge leap forward for us, and decide and vote together if it’s something we want in our family (society).”

You would give the child rational, calming words and supply them with a “happy” or at least “neutral” ending, so they could understand what and why we are doing these things, without causing them to live through it in a panicked or upset state.

We need to do the same for ourselves in these times, too. Realize that your reality is literally Created by the thoughts and emotions that arise from the STORY you are telling yourself and giving credence to.

YOU ARE THE AUTHOR. What Story are you writing?? Is this the beginning of Dystopia, or is this the final push to wake the rest of the population up to the dystopia we already were in? I promise you that anyone in a quarantined country is realizing we don’t need school buildings, we don’t need office space, we don’t require traffic jams and we can exist quite peacefully outside of any “rat race”. The pressure of these restrictions is making everyone everywhere question how much “overseeing” we actually require. The Story we ALL agree on is the story we will Manifest.

“But, I’m powerless to stop these global things no matter how much I ignore it or try to Pollyanna it, what am I supposed to do?? I can’t just let awareness of bad things lapse, people need to be told these things or I’ll be stuck with the sheep! Am I supposed to just leave others to their reality and fob off to do massive meditations or what?”

To that I say, alright, yes, from a Global perspective you are a background character without the sort of power to direct the story if the global story is being ‘created’ by people who ARE in power. EXCEPT- What Story are you writing that is happening in your narrative? A year from now will you tell the story, “and then the evil government did evil things and we all revolted and died and turned into zombies” etc, or is YOUR imagined future “And then When the evil government tried to take over the world, the good guys in power thwarted them, freed the people from centuries of enslavement, instituted new policies and massive economic and environmental changes to unify the world.” (And that’s only a narrative you could choose if you can’t decide to believe in a future where such a thing was never even tried- you could decide to believe and Create, “People became connected and aware and a massive shift took place globally and the government stepped down from power because we became self-regulating”)

And, yeah, just going off to do your own meditation instead of whipping others into a froth about negative low vibration possible realities would be the better choice. Can you imagine and Create a third option though? You are the author, the author-ity in your personal reality, and all stories follow a basic structure.

See, You’re writing the story of the reality you are choosing. In that story, you can write in a Hero or solution that is NOT you, or you can write a villain in for you to fight against. You will choose which reality you end up in through what ‘plot twist’ you give your attention and emotional energy to. You will choose if you are powerless and a victim or if you are part of a social movement for change as others also realize their power, and ‘write’ the same story as you. When it comes to sharing information with others, are you spreading fear and panic and powerlessness, or solutions on how to take the information and shift it to what we do want? Are you stoking the fear or the hope? We have more than enough people fueling the fear.

I’m reminded of a line from Thumper in the movie Bambi, “if you can’t say something nice, Don’t say Nothin’ at all”. It is better to share positivity in these dark times. And it is far better to simply shut up, than fear monger and speculate into a fatalistic narrative.

You are scaring the children of God. They are many and we Creators are still few. WE, as Creators, can shift this if we remember all that we have learned and hold to the Light of our conscious awareness. It is crunch time. Are you Creating what you want, or what you don’t want? Are you convincing yourself AND OTHERS of a reality you don’t want, or do you supply the solution and comfort needed if you share a fear-provoking perspective under the guise of making them aware?? Where attention goes, energy flows. This is the message sent to me by my higher and all those millions of little signs the universe puts in my path – Forgive them for they know not what they do .. but YOU do. If you lead others into a fear based reality WITH you as you fall from higher consciousness, will you forgive yourself?

YOU ARE A CREATOR. How are you influencing others to Collaboratively Create? What are you allowing to influence YOU?

What is the NEXT part of the story for you?

Let’s Create Something New

What to focus on now

Yes, the world is in a state of concern for many reasons right now. Talking about what IS from a fear based standpoint, only Creates more things to have fear from. Our power is in the Now moment.

Hopefully, these events have given many a clue that they are Creators; so many people have said to me over the past holidays, I wish I didn’t have to work at this job I hate, I wish my family wouldn’t judge me for quitting to spend my time pursuing my personal goals, I wish I had more free time to go for walks, be present with my kids, catch up on my reading, learn a new hobby, or just rest for a while.

These wishes were made with a fear or frustration based emotion, so what do we have? All of those wishes fulfilled, granted with fear and frustration inherent.

So what now? With no one going out and doing things, it’s the Perfect time to turn inward, to dive deep into who you are, how you’ve been thinking and feeling, and what you really want from life. Realize that at home, you are safe and secluded from the grind of society’s judgement as well as their contagious emotions, provided you carve out time away from the media that desperately wants to keep you tuned in to fear and their anxious narrative, so you stay addicted to those emotions they can easily provide.

There is NO person in our modern society that is free from negative subconscious programming and conditioning. Sensationalist media and past world wars have seen to that. If you think you weren’t affected, I promise your parents were, and they passed down stress and unhealthy coping and relating mechanisms. PTSD is present in everyone. What does that mean? Events from our past have left disordered thought programs that must be consciously altered if we want to regain control over our emotions, actions and energy states. The only way to change what you Create, is to become Aware of the programmed thoughts and emotions that Created the present reality.

To become Aware, requires solitude. It requires consideration. It requires asking, Why do I feel this way? Why do I react with those feeling-states when others do those things? Where does this conditioning come from, that if they do This, I should feel This? Who in my past taught me that this is how to react and feel? How can I reframe my perception of their actions so I won’t automatically enter those feeling states? Where else have I been conditioned to respond in unhelpful ways? Who do I want to be? How do I want to respond? What will I have to stop thinking about to be able to order my thoughts in helpful ways? What will I have to Start thinking and feeling Now, to have the outcome I desire?

This isn’t meant to invalidate your feelings or justify another’s behavior. It’s also not meant to allow you to violate your boundaries, but rather to set them securely without giving negative emotion or energy While you define those healthy boundaries.

It’s to reclaim control over your emotions, reactions and energy state so you can be a more Conscious Creator. This is the blessing of meditation, that it allows you to watch your thoughts and question why they appear, to observe them from a neutral state instead of an emotionally charged one, and to learn to gain control over the rapid fire of an anxious or fearful emotion-state while disallowing it your full energy.

Awaken to your power, both in your own mind and in the outer world we Co-create.

Where could this world go?

Well, imagine. What if we all begin saying, and more importantly, FEELING the relief, wonder and appreciation of the thoughts,

“Hmmm… I have all this free time, I can spend it how I wish instead of dragging myself away from my home and family every day, and in a couple of weeks I’m getting a stimulus check so we still will have food, I’m suddenly eligible for assistance programs and nobody’s going to judge me for it since we are all out of work, all my debtors now have instituted programs to assist or defer or forgive my bills, and I can actually clean my house up thoroughly and maybe even redecorate or repair all those small things I’ve put off. My kids aren’t stressed about school social structure or homework, we will probably be doing remote learning so all the costs of school are dropping, as well as the morning rush and arguments aren’t going to be a thing anymore. We are all pushed to get out into nature, because the house has become boring since we’ve all had plenty of time to rest and decompress… Nature herself is recovering at a rapid rate because of decreased emissions, everything is blooming and growing because of spring, all my neighbors are manicuring their lawns and taking pride in the doing so our neighborhood looks fantastic and probably will all spring. I finally have time to plant a big food garden so our food costs will be even further reduced, not to mention our diet will be healthier, and without work stress, losing a few unhealthy pounds should be easy…. Everyone everywhere has finally learned to wash their hands and be aware of what they touch and how close they get to others. The vitamin Aisle has been depleted, so it seems everyone’s become aware of the value of taking supplements for health instead of drugs for disease….”

“And look at all these people in society Helping and showing compassion!! Big businesses stepping up to produce what’s needed, delivery services becoming very widespread, individuals showing support for and solidarity with hospital workers and other essential workers, so they both finally feel significant and appreciated while the givers feel compassionate and contributory. We have all realized how much we rely on Grocery store workers, truck drivers and farmers so gratitude is at an all time high on everyone’s minds, everyone everywhere is pitching in and giving now more than ever because we are free to be generous with our time, energy and ideas… This looks and feels like a major shift in how we all “do” society…. Towards a much more relaxed, appreciative and generous community….”

To do this, we have to be able to stop our fear and frustration in its tracks, and relax into faith that no matter what happens, we can handle it, and That the universe (God/Source) has our back.

We would have to let go of our worry, anxiety and self judgement on a grand scale. Those negative emotion-states Created this. Being a victim of societal conditioning and childhood trauma programs has kept us in these states, and it is up to each individual to learn how to reprogram and recondition our selves, to ‘order’ our thoughts so we cure any mental Disorders we developed from our past. They are labeled “DIS-orders” for a reason – re-ordering the mental state is the true cure. It requires self reflection and deep awareness to learn to control and reorder your thoughts and emotions.

We have to be able to summon the emotions of hope, pride, faith, curiosity, openness, togetherness, joy, appreciation, gratitude, compassion and Love, and allow ourselves to deeply sink into those thoughts and feelings, and use our powerful imagination to sustain those energetic emotion states as long as possible.

It’s so amazing to reach this place, this ordered state, this level of faith and understanding within yourself. It will require self work. It will require facing all your personal demons and faults, and forgiving yourself and others. It’s not easy. But it’s worth it. And we are all in this together. The work never ends, but it does get easier.

For more insight on how to re-order your thoughts, research NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Many therapists, counselors and life coaches are trained in these methodologies as well.

To begin to understand your programming, watch or read the work of Teal Swan, especially her videos on fragmentation, motivation, the loneliness epidemic and connection.

To deeply comprehend the value of meditative states, research the books and videos from Dr. Joe Dispenza.

For all those who meditate, there is a world meditation happening on April 4 at 9:45 pm Central for thirty minutes aimed at the resolution of COVID -19 and its many effects. The more Conscious Creators contribute, the more Conscious our Creation will be.

Namaste, dear ones. Choose Love. ❤️


“We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware it is impossible not to change.”

-Sheryl Sandburg

I have been on a journey of self awareness for several years now. It is at once the most humbling and empowering experience of all my years. Realizing how very unconsciously I had spent the larger part of my life was deeply humiliating. Realizing that the agent for all change in my life was within me and not in the world around me was terrifying at first. Finally understanding that I created my life through my own perception was the most freeing experience of all.

So many of us live unconsciously, operating from conditioning and programming given to us by our parents, family, and the community we were raised within. We often do not question these inherited paradigms because to do so would proclaim that our parents, family and home community were wrong in some way. This collective unconsciousness then plays out on our world stage as “more of the same,” same type of world leaders, conflicts, environmental issues and economic upsets.

All of us want change. It is only when we are brave enough to Be the Change that we will see it around us.

Becoming aware of any situation and its causes is the first agent of change. Looking at your life and asking hard questions is vital to improving it.

Awareness came to me when I realized how much my marriage was failing, despite my determination to be the “right” kind of wife. It snuck up in the form of a book titled “Getting the Love you Want” by Harville Hendricks, PhD. In it, several questions were given that challenged me to consider the culture and conditioning my parents had given me, and also to consider what programming and concepts of love my husband had picked up in his own troubled childhood. With awareness of how these dynamics were playing out on the stage of our relationship, I saw for the first time that it wasn’t him, and it wasn’t me, that our failures were due to this unconsciousness that we both assumed meant the other didn’t actually care.

You see, from the moment we are born, we begin processing information. Our electromagnetic field and subconscious mind begins processing and storing info about our environment and how to survive in it. Science is just beginning to discover the truth of how the soul, body and mind interact to build our structure of “self”. Research and study are increasingly unearthing the facts that our personalities are much less influenced by genes, and that even our gene expression is dependent on factors within our environment and circumstances. Our life experiences, from the first moments, shapes our inherent character and physicality. We come equipped with mirror neurons in our brain which allow us to efficiently repeat the actions of the humans around us, by stimulating the same areas of the brain we will later use to perform what we see, and even stimulate releases of dopamine when we appropriately copy our caretakers to become more self sufficient. This is an excellent strategy for Nature to take, ensuring the next generation can copy and repeat skills needed for survival. The more those neurons fire together, the faster and stronger the connections between them are built. Consider these like deep channels in the structure of your brain’s electrochemistry. This means that the strongest influencer of how these channels flow in your brain are the relationships you watched while growing up in your own home. Your subconscious mind is mostly programmed and imprinted before age 12. These programs effectively run the “show” of you, and determine how “you” show up in the world. While this is great for teaching us how to feed ourselves, stay out of danger and navigate the world, our modern times are making it quite a challenge to create positive and fulfilling interpersonal relationships of all kinds with programming “code” written by our ancestors for a very different society, passed down through your parents to you.

This means that before you could reason or use higher logic, your subconscious mind was programmed with a story of the availability of safety, security, love and prosperity you could expect from the world around you. This means that your parent’s relationship is Your subconscious sample of “This is what Love looks like between a man and a woman”, and how attentive and empathetic your main caregiver was is your subconscious imprint of “This is how worthy I am of love and respect”. Your parents views on if the world is a good place full of opportunity and joy is Your imprint of “these are the opportunities and the level of joy life will offer me”, and your parent’s views on success and prosperity will be a factor in your own success due to the underlying subconscious program running of “This is what you can expect to receive” and “this is how we relate to money, through lack or abundance.”

Overcoming these imprints and subconscious programs takes both time and an inner shift of belief. For instance, if parents imprinted “Money isn’t easy to come by, (because we don’t have college degrees)” an easy way to shift this programming is to attend college and get a degree. This is because this program was set up on an If/then premise ~ IF you got a degree, THEN you could easily surpass your parent’s earnings, which wouldn’t contradict the original programming of “Money and a good paying job aren’t easy to come by”.

In the same way, we are running the programming imprinted on us in our childhood by our parents regarding “This is what relationships look like/ what love looks like.”

Take a moment now to consider your parents’ relationship(s). How did they interact? How did they show love? How did they resolve conflict, or did they? These were our examples of how to “do” relationships. We may have different ideas on how to do relationships now, but unless we become aware of these subconscious programs and how they can affect us, and install new programming through learning skills for communication and conflict management, we may be failing at our attempts to develop healthy and fulfilling relations as an adult. If we don’t equip ourselves with the tools necessary to bypass our programming, and if we remain unaware of how those old programs are triggered, it is almost inevitable that we will play out the same relationship that we saw our parents have.

Just like in the previous example where “getting a college degree” was the step needed to overcome the prior programming about earning potential, we have to arm ourself with awareness, mindfulness and new communication skills so that we can shift our inner belief about “This is what love looks like”. Installing these skills, action tools for working through conflict, and a new awareness of “this is how I WANT love to be experienced” gives us what we need to positively shift into deeper and more fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others.

Begin taking a hard look at what your own imprinting and patterns are. Analyze it, looking for both positives to keep and negatives to develop new resources for. Ask yourself how your imprint is serving and restricting you from the relationships you desire. Begin the process of shadow work – going within your past memories to discover your negative imprints and limiting belief structures about love, self worth, the safety of expressing individual emotions, how to define success, possibility available to you and prosperity. Have a loving talk with your child self whenever you find a memory that has impacted you with negative imprinting. Compassionately Explain to that child self using adult logic, reason and understanding about what is actually true regarding Love, safety, money and success. Go within and find those wounds you endured through childhood trauma that made you decide illogically about your own ability, worthiness and inherent talent.

Forgive your parents for this subconscious imprinting through knowing that they themselves were imprinted, and their own success or failure depended on what beliefs they brought forward from their own childhood.

Forgive yourself, and understand that relationship skills must be learned, because very few people in modern times have had fully positive and functional families in their own childhood. The pressures of modern society strain even the most well-meaning and aware human – it will take time to install new relational skills into the collective programming. Until then, it is up to us as individuals to learn these functional relationship skills and then embody them for the next generation to become patterned after.

Some recommended reading:

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix

I need your love- is that true? By Byron Katie

How to be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

Overcoming Addiction

Recently, a friend asked if I thought addiction was a choice or a disease.

My take on it is different. I know it to be a lack of connection, a lack of self-esteem, and an ignorance of positive coping mechanisms. People who have faced any deep emotional trauma are especially vulnerable to addiction. In fact, almost ALL adults have some form of addiction to something, be it unhealthy food, nicotine, alcohol, gambling, unhealthy codependent relationships or drama, consumerism, prescriptions or hard street drugs.

Addiction is a cycle: experiencing pain, using an addictive agent to soothe and distract yourself from your pain, temporary anesthesia, consequences, shame and guilt that creates the pain of low self-esteem – and repeat.

I am an ex drug addict. My drug of choice was pain pills, first given to me by a doctor. Acquiring them after my prescription ran out was relatively easy, given that I also self medicated with marijuana – and if you can find one illegal substance on the black market, you can find any. This is another reason why I advocate for legalization of marijuana- had I been able to walk into a store or get a prescription for weed, I would have run out of pain medication and not been able to access the black market to get any more to perpetuate an addiction.

I was addicted for seven months, stopped, and had a three-month relapse about five years later. I spent about $3000 over those time periods, and also stole from family members to support the habit. My kidneys suffered, my children suffered, my finances tanked, and my relationships with everyone got swept under my need for the drug. This is a common refrain from any addict’s life.

My reasons for starting were pretty basic. I was in actual physical pain from a toothache and went to the ER, and though they couldn’t do any dental work or even set up an appointment, they gave me a large supply of hydrocodone.  It was the only remedy they had, and I didn’t have dental insurance.  So I began taking the pills. (aside  – coconut oil pulling cures toothaches, and is completely healthy and cheap)

Within days, the pain was gone and not returning but I was hooked on the feelings the drug gave me.  I had boundless energy and drive to get up and accomplish things like housecleaning, or pursue my interests, or get out of the house and do things with my kids or partner. And of course, lots of energy for sex. It was a cure all – because it numbed my emotional pain, too. I was in a deep depression before receiving the prescription and the codeine numbed me to where my anxiety didn’t have such a vice grip on my energy levels anymore.  I loved it. I saw it as a solution, finally, to everything I didn’t like about my life! I had a cleaner house, I had a healthier social life because it numbed my self judgement emotions, allowing me to be more outgoing. I had all the internal drugs from lots more sexual activity, and because of the greater physical intimacy, my partner was being more loving and attentive as well.

Drugs were a solution, a solution for a problem I had zero answers for before  – not the problem itself. Not at first.

My son has had an addiction also, to a street drug. His entry point was different. Being young, faced with stress from school, home life and the anxiety of choosing a direction in life as a young adult, he went to a party to blow off steam, and was invited into a bathroom where several other teens, looking happy and excited, invited him to choose a line. His drug made his thoughts slow down and become hyperfocused, and also numbed him emotionally. It was a solution for which he didn’t even realize at the time he had a problem for – he just knew it made him feel like he could do and achieve anything, and having had little self-esteem throughout his life, made him feel amazing and capable for the first time ever. He spent $7000 over five months, but very quickly devolved into spending all his time away from people because of the shame and fear of being found out. It wasn’t a social drug, it was a magic band-aid for feelings he never knew how to manage before. It has held him back in many ways, and he sees it for its truth now. He stopped because of a terrifying near overdose. Of course I worry as a mother about his relapsing, and we have talked about it at great length and come to greater understandings about the reasons and regrets. I never knew about it until he was finished with it. Such is the nature of addiction – there’s either an ending point or a breaking point where family and friends become aware. I count myself incredibly, amazingly lucky that it did not end differently for either of us.

I’m an avid reader, and I’ve been on a course of self discovery and growth for almost five years now. One of my first avenues of self discovery took me down a path of learning why my body was having reactions to foods and why I was so tired all the time that I craved drugs. I realized that some of my symptoms indicated a stressed kidney/liver system, meaning I’d damaged myself with my addiction, and I became determined to understand why I got addicted and to learn how to make sure I didn’t fall under the siren song of the drug again. This was early on in my personal awakening, so I didn’t know yet about shadow work or inner child trauma. I began researching addiction treatment and stumbled across some published works that all indicated that addiction at its roots is formed from a lack of connection.

I was certainly high and mighty in my resistance to this idea at first. It didn’t make sense to me. I had a large family, as did my son. I had many pets and good friends, and I was involved in many social type settings at the time I became addicted. Addiction causes huge rifts in families and social circles, so logically it didn’t follow that something that would press a lack of connection would be caused by it. It probably took me two months to come around to the idea, and it was only after researching lots of known treatments for addiction that I began to see that what works in overcoming it is ONLY a promotion of connection.

Addiction causes more loss of connection through its inherent secretiveness and shame, furthering itself in a vicious cycle. Not feeling as though anyone would understand if you confess, you keep it close and deny yourself honest and genuine interaction. You begin to feel as though you wear masks for others, and you begin to judge them as fake to you as well. When away from them, you judge yourself more harshly, saying that if they knew the truth they would reject you, which makes them judgmental and disingenuous in your own eyes. Soon, the desire to see them and have to put on your mask and put up with their mask falls away, and any connection is lost. Others become someone who, if they ask you for anything, are putting pressure on you to be someone you’re really not – which then places you in a very easily justifiable position of taking from or manipulating them, as you feel the same is already being done to you just with their attempt to reconnect. So you agree to see them – and ask for money, or take out of their medicine cabinet, or swipe something they won’t miss, to feed your habit and make yourself feel less put upon at having to support what you feel is a taking-type relationship where you are already rejected.

When I became addicted, I didn’t have a real and close connection with anyone, just false ones where I felt misunderstood and that I would be rejected if they knew the “real” me. I had a trauma event at age 21 when I lost my husband, where others who had no way to help me or who felt useless at supporting me emotionally, turned completely away and avoided contact with me because of the feelings even thinking about my loss caused within them. I could tell that they avoided me and felt uncomfortable just seeing me. The massive rejection and loss this caused set me up for a very introverted and private lifestyle. Later, seeing others judge and talk gossip about mutual friends gave me a feeling of being judged and misunderstood by them as well. Others never asking about me or my feelings, because they couldn’t even manage their own, made me feel disregarded, rejected and as though uncared for on any deep level. All of this, was MY perception of our relationships, not a neutral view. Their perception was likely skewed as well, in that I didn’t pester them for time and attention, which means to many people  I was disinterested and didn’t care for them.  Neither view was accurate, but it created emotions in both of us that eventually killed our drive for interactions. Losing any contact or connection over time with anyone who knew me, only drove my need for the drug more, because the drugs numbed me to all that rejection and loss.

So it became a self-destructive, shame ridden, loss invoking cycle, where the only coping mechanism I’d discovered to manage the anxiety and stress of these feelings, was the drug itself. Eventually it evolved into toxic shame and self hate – and any inner drive I had to NOT use the drug was justifiably rejected, because I didn’t care about helping myself get better, since for so long I didn’t feel worthy of self-love, and I only cared about FEELING better in any moment. I didn’t believe myself worthy of anything greater – my life was showing me “proof” I didn’t deserve more by never providing any connection. I didn’t understand – my connection to my own self being low priority, was what opened me up for compromising my values enough to fall prey to the drug. My lack of security in knowing who I was, loving myself, and definitively knowing what I wanted as an end Goal in life, created an opening for drugs to become a daily goal and to define me.

What got me off of drugs was a two fold event, likely orchestrated by my Higher self. One, I ran out, and my supplier was dodging me as he was soon to be assaulted by HIS suppliers who he’d stiffed for over three grand. Two, while I had a hard come down, with shaking and sweats and irritability, I had a terrifying experience where my vision went hazy and I had nausea far beyond what was normal in past comedowns. I’d had a cancer scare years before, and one of the signs I was told to watch for as possible relapse was vision problems and uncontrollable nausea. So for three days, during heavy withdrawals, I was in sheer terror that my habit was about to take my life by relapsing the cancer.

I had lost my supply of the coping mechanism that was making my life bearable. I was damaging my body and not searching for better answers. So my Higher sent the message – you aren’t seeing clearly, you’re making us sick, and you need to decide if you want to live.

I decided, and that day, I began doing deep research into nutrition and cancer causing foods and additives, while laying in bed with tearstained cheeks from the nausea. I had to do it in spurts between crying jags over not being able to see straight. But I didn’t stop. That path led me to my whole awakening process, and brought me back to knowing God and Christ. From that day and turning point, I began cultivating a connection with my body and the messages it was sending me; a connection with the food I consumed; a connection with the type of food producers I wanted to support by purchasing their organic products; most importantly, I began forging a connection with the future I wanted for myself, and I forced myself to decide who I wanted to become. I began cultivating a connection with myself, instead of stuffing away my feelings and telling myself I should suppress them as I wasn’t worthy of having my own feelings validated even to my own self. I began accepting my emotions, and accepting responsibility for managing them in a different way than by using addictive drugs. I was still heavily reliant on Marijuana for several years, until I began meditating and deeply connecting to my inner self. Gradually, I have become a person who validates and expresses herself healthfully, and who will turn to pen and paper as a coping mechanism before heading to a medicine cabinet, out for a joint, or to the refrigerator. Connection was the answer – and since my life was lacking in others who I felt could handle deeply connecting to me, I searched for and found those things I could connect to, (as well as connecting within) and began finding fulfillment instead of blaming the world outside for not connecting to me.

Connection is at the root of treatments like AA, which is why when AA is adhered to, it can cause real and lasting change. People have to feel connected – to who they are as a Soul, to individual others who understand them, (such as an AA mentor) to a community, (like AA provides) and to something greater than them self, (which AA promotes as key)- to finally start to feel empowered enough to develop different coping mechanisms for their stress and anxiety.  Feeling that you’re worthy of being heard is critical to being able to express your truth and feelings, and releasing the suppressed emotions from clogging up your personal energy field is what begins to change the addict on a cellular-vibrational level. Believing you are worthy and deserving of a life not being controlled and destroyed by addiction is imperative. For this reason, developing a healthy self image and fostering self love is essential to the process. Until we believe we are worthy of being heard, we won’t express – and until we express, we stay in a lower vibration that allows something else like a drug to control us.

Long term self acceptance, healthy connective relationships and healthy self esteem are the only known cures for addiction. Whenever any of these suffer, the addict may backslide toward being susceptible to the pull of the drug. These factors must be made priority and developed like muscles that are used to hold the addiction far enough away while the addict creates new healthy habits and discovers new coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety.

All of this work MUST be self directed. An addict can NOT be forced by another to do this self-work or have the decision made for them, because making the decision they are worthy of their own work and effort is the ONLY motivation that can’t be justified away as soon as the stress and anxiety bear down again. If a parent or spouse forces them into a program, their feelings of unworthiness will cause them to reject the help subconsciously as a control measure from a person who, to them, obviously doesn’t understand how unhappy they are when living without it. Each addict has to decide for them self when enough is enough with their addiction. They have to decide their life is worth their own effort fighting and working for.

Processing out the shame, guilt, resentment, regret and disappointment in yourself is a long process that’s only fruitful when you have support and validation along the path. Developing the ability to support and validate yourself comes naturally as you install a healthy self esteem. The methods I used to make myself invulnerable to addiction included healthy self talk, expressing my feelings through a private blog and journaling, connecting to others through a social media page, nature walks full of appreciation and gratitude, devoting myself to fulfilling and creative hobbies, getting more involved with my kids and with pets, and reconnecting with my partner and the causes he supported. Over the years my ‘vaccination against addiction’ has evolved to include devoting time to doing deep inner child ‘shadow work’, keeping a gratitude journal and affirmation journal daily, maintaining my hobby interests and always challenging myself to learn new things, deciding on a purposeful career to pursue, and frequent meditation. All of these methods are self directed and empowered, meaning another’s actions or inactions have no bearing on my ability to do them for myself. Choosing these has kept the power in my hands to be what I need to keep myself from becoming an addicted person again. The decision I made, to count myself as worthy of being drug free, to love myself and love my life, was difficult – I still have to make that hard decision every day, but the rest of my decisions are easy in comparison, as that decision puts a filter over all other decisions after it. A filter that asks, “what would a person who loves them self do?” and follows the answer to that question above any judgments or expectations of others that previously clouded the issues.

Addiction is a terrible manifestation into the life of a person who feels dis-empowered and desperate for an easy answer to their pain and frustration at experiencing anxiety and stress. There are far healthier coping mechanisms and habits. I would love to pass on the peace I have by sharing what I know. I’m available for consults at reasonable rates, with packages available that include addiction recovery and relapse prevention techniques.

Love, light and Blessings to anyone suffering with addiction. May you decide to love you, as I already love you.

My direct email for consultation:


Spirit in song

God Within sometimes speaks in melody, you know. Sometimes even boppy beats…

Music moves us to ecstatic expression, and it’s no mystery why- we are vibrational beings, and music is a vibrational medium. Literally, music moves our eardrums and the atoms therein, and the vibrations ripple into the rest of us, affecting our emotions with it. Every particle within us is sensing the tune and vibrating with the harmony of the songs we listen to. It’s important to choose music that has a positive and encouraging message more often than not.

May you have auspiciousness and causes of success, may you have the confidence to always do your best, may you take no effort in your being generous, sharing what you can, nothing more, nothing less, may you know the meaning of the word happiness, may you always lead from the beating in your chest, may you be treated like an esteemed guest, may you get to rest, may you catch your breath- and may the best of your today’s be the worst of your tomorrows, and may the road less paved be the road that you follow – well here’s to he hearts that you’re gonna break, here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change, here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you, I want you to have it! Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have, you don’t need money, you got a free pass, here’s to the fact that I’d be sad without you, I want you to have it all. ” – Jason Mraz

Music defines time periods of our lives as well, since we easily tie memories to who we were with and what our life was like when we were hearing a song often. We hear artist’s lyrics, and the words resonate with us, so we buy into that artist. These lyrics are literal magic spells, allowing us to bob our head or sing along and express those feelings deep within us aching to be validated and heard. How many times has a song moved you to cheer up, rage out, croon your love or cry?

All I do is win, win, win, no matter what, got money on my mind I can’t never get enough, and every time I step up in the building everybody hands go up! And they stay there..” – DJ Khaled

Song and dance is the greatest magic ever conceived, and some of the most powerful sorcery in mass existence. Ever heard of a tribal rain dance? Consider how our evolutionary theory states that nothing that has no value or that grants no advantage would be passed along through generations, especially a behavior. Yet tribal song and dance to bring rain or blessings stretches through all time – so by that standard, there must be actual magic power (manifestation) within it to shape the world and divine the future. Indeed, song and chants are integral parts of every religion worldwide – as those close to the divine know its inherent power.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see.

In a world where it is all YOUR Creation, the music we hear and that becomes popular either for the collective or individually is an echo of our inner. As the inner shifts, so do our music preferences. I’m sure many of you can relate to experiences like mine where I’ve had music show up out of the blue whose lyrics perfectly matched what I was going through in my life. Often, I’d discover a new artist whose whole album became an anthem for my life during transition times. Radio stations overplay certain artists or hits because of the mass requests for one song being echoed across many hearts. The phenomenon is happening still today, visit iTunes Radio or Spotify and see for yourself- the popular songs are an expression of how our collective feels.

I can’t give you everything, you know I wish I could, I’m so high at the moment, I’m so caught up in this, yeah, we’re just young dumb and broke, but we still got love to give.” – Khalid

Why don’t you just meet me in the middle, I’m losing my mind just a little, so why don’t you just meet me in the middle?” – Zedd

We used to live on Instagram, worryin’ bout who all gives a damn, bout where we’ve been and where we ended up. Then I met you and you met me and all the rest is history, an epiphany that all we need is us … it’s like one two three just as easy as can be, just the way you look at me you make me smile, ain’t no need to complicate it, we both know that’s overrated, we’ve been there it’s safe to say it ain’t our style…” Simple – Florida Georgia Line

I theorize that Spirit is speaking to each of us through music, especially radio. You’ll have to verify for yourself, dear reader.

Don’t stop believing! Hold on to that feeling!” – Journey ( a refrain that Spirit tells everyone at some point!)

Even having your music library on shuffle, with careful attention, can become a medium for spirit to build you a narrative, send a message, or offer encouragement. Quite like Bumblebee of Transformers fame, Spirit lives in playlists of all devices, and will begin sending you words and feelings you need t express aloud and validate in your emotional body. It is most apparent if given any sort of randomized control, to the willing listener who accepts that Spirit is really there reaching into our realm to send us love and hope and encouragement.

“…We’re on Assignment, bodies on consignment, return ’em to the circus, and what is the purpose, what is the purpose? And would you believe it, would you believe it if you knew what you were for and how you became so informed, bodies of info, performing such miracles, I am a miracle, made up of particles, and in this existence, I’ll stay persistent, and I’ll make a difference, and I will have lived it…. ” – Aloha Ke Akua, by Nahko.

Once I came to realize this beautiful meaning behind the synchronicity, I fell in love with music all over again. I felt comforted, encouraged, supported and understood by God, and what a difference it has made. I went from being saddened by love songs to being romanticized by them, seeing them as being dedicated TO me from my higher aspect, as a reminder of how loved I am. As I sang along, often while glancing into my car visor while driving, I realized I was bespelling myself at the direction of God within, a sorcerous form of tricking me into genuinely loving myself – and then I realized, I was singing love songs TO God, as well, a way to reciprocate the great love Spirit allowed to flow through me in song.

There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark, you should know you’re beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t have to change a thing, the world can change its heart, no scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful…” – Alessia Cara

How would your favorite songs take on new meaning if you were hearing them from your Higher perspective?

I have died everyday, waiting for you, Darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more… And all along I believed I would find you, Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more...” – Christina Perri

I was reminded of this powerful magic that music has, yesterday when I stumbled upon a new artist who, yes, has an album written especially about my life right now. Everything from “Every Mile Mattered” about the past year of travel to “Slow Down” about babies growing up too fast, to one of my new favorites , “Dear me”, which beautifully sings about a letter written to the self during hard times. This song resonates with me deeply because I’m creating a book series that is interactive and has the reader write letters to herself and others as part of a process for self therapy. I’ve found the processes I’m sharing incredibly transformational and want to bring their healing power to anyone else in need of self love and encouragement.

Dear me, this is a letter to the girl I used to be, dear me, there are some things that you should know. It’s not my intention to embarrass or to shame you, what’s inside the rear view mirror is closer than it appears… we do the best that we know how with what we have been given, and the difference between you and I is I’ve been given time.. in time, you’ll see….

… And there is nothing you could do to separate you from the love of God who made you just exactly as He meant to, and you cannot imagine all the places you’ll see Jesus, but you’ll find him everywhere you thought he wasn’t supposed to go, so go-

…. And love, love, love, love, like it’s your own blood…. as you have been loved…” – Nichole Nordeman

I encourage you, to listen to ALL your favorite songs in a new light. Listen as though they are love songs from the Universe to You. Every one, a special dedication to You. Yes, some songs will have snarky meanings … your higher is as sassy as mine I’m sure. 🙂 Listen for the messages, the nudges, the subtle hints and warnings. It’s all around us everywhere. More of us are awakening to the divinity in everything. It’s no use to be woke if appreciation and wonder aren’t allowed into your experience as often as possible.

Life is a beautiful musical. Belt out a chorus or two to the God in the mirror. Let the love in a song sent from the universe lighten your heart.


And love, love, love, love, as you have been loved. ❤️

A philosophy of pets

Today I’d like to get back to a topic I know lots of you followed my FB page for, one I have literally a whole lifetime of experience with- our pets.

Beautiful friends and helpmeets, our pets are a pure experience upon the Earth. I’ve had pets as long as I’ve made memories. Many dear soul friends have cycled into my life. I could go on for years about how wonderful my life has been because of them. In fact as I write my Wally dog lounges in my lap, my support through the process of baring my thoughts and soul to you through this message.

There are two aspects I’ve been pondering about them. The first is, on a literal level they are enslaved to us, and that says much about the state of our society today.

During their youth, we take them away from their family and demand they adjust to ours. We train them to do as we wish and punish them or exile them if they disobey. If found outside alone, we deliver them to a facility that imprisons them until another slave owner adopts them. All their life, they will never really choose what to do and where to go, unless they run away and forever hide from people. Even then, their choices to sustain themselves are limited in our concrete world.

Animals are enslaved to us, and I feel like our pets create an equal enslavement of us to them. They can’t roam at will and can’t possibly provide for them self in our altered world safely. So in a way they create this in us- they hold our emotional needs in a way that isn’t provided anywhere else, (and that we aren’t providing from within ourselves) and we can’t roam at will once we have pets either for we must go home to feed them and let them out, or have someone else enslaved to that task.

I’m not offended at the thought of our mutual codependency- long have I said, I’m Wally’s butler because I let him in and out like a doorman, bring him foods and stroke his ego all day.

(Side note- He’s only five pounds so it’s 90% ego – fun fact, a dogs ego is four pounds, which is why big dogs are the most pandering of the bunch at only 2% ego 😉

I rather like serving Wally, he’s quite opinionated on any topic I discuss with him, yet tends to agree with me 😉 in fact I can only recall one debate I lose with him on a regular basis:

Me:”No, they do not need to pet you today and tell you how cute you are.”

Wally: “SNORT SNEEZE” *trots over to the other people*

Me:*long sigh as I follow* “why can’t we agree to disagree and you just stay here beside me?”

Beyond this drive to bless everyone with a dose of himself, he is a perfect companion. )

Wally makes me laugh all the time and sniffles, snorts and sneezes when I discuss him or talk to him, overall very entertaining. He plays in short bouts, and loves strong pets all over. His favorite scratch spot is his elbows, because he’s odd like that. He absolutely hates baths and hides when I turn water on, and he refuses to give me kisses even when I beg, and dodges my attempts to kiss his face. I used to think it was a dominance thing, but now I have realized the little lovely bugger knows that stolen kisses are worth more because I’ve worked at it. He has seen that pandering dogs have my friendship but not my adoration. He settles for nothing less than my utter devotion.

When you look at it, our pets are extensions of ourselves. How could they not be, in a world of Creation with each of us as the Creator? So it’s no surprise we resemble them, and of course the more we are in each other’s company the more we will be like each other.

It’s a safe bet that after these years of adventure together, he and I share some similarities….

The other aspect I’ve been pondering is, if everything is a creation, what do pets represent? We have to tend to them everyday so they survive, and train them so they don’t wreck our shared spaces or our other relationships by being overwhelming, we are enslaved to them and have to take responsibility if they act out ….

So I developed a theory that our pets are physical manifestations of Emotions that we can’t handle holding inside us any more.

I believe pets are manifestations of Emotions that need daily special care and to be shown how to get along with all the other aspects of our life, and even kept apart from some aspects of our life, like our work environment or extended family functions.

I asked myself, what emotion would Wally represent then? What do I think of or feel about him? What do I feel when he is magnetized near? How did I feel before he came into my life?

To me, Wally is ideal. Portable, well trained and polite. When I got him as a puppy he looked like a bobble head doll, and he got his name because to me he looked like a cartoon come to life, a real live toy, a Walt Disney drawing- a Wally dog.

So, I evaluated my feelings about idealism- I’ve always been an idealist, yet since adulthood I’ve felt resentment over everything not being ideal. It’s quite easy to say I couldn’t hold my idealism in. My past two dogs (15 years of dog) have been really ideal for me, so it’s my belief that my idealism that I couldn’t handle inside me anymore, manifested outside of me so it could be taken care of and appreciated by me.

If this theory proves out to others, that means every pet owner is an owner of a physical manifestation of an emotion they themselves deeply feel and can not express. Taking care of the emotion in our outer world is a way to calm the emotional need in our inner world.

By this theory, when a pet leaves us, it can mean we are ready to hold that emotion and care for it within. It doesn’t mean we have to, as often we miss their bright addition to our lives as souls in and of themself. It Does mean we can make a choice to have a pet, or choose to live without one and embrace the aspects of life that not being tied to pets (or so Many pets) allows.

This theory also explains the old saying, “Don’t have kittens,” or, “Don’t have a cow” which means Calm down and stop having dramatics.

I’ve loved all the experiences I’ve had tending to my many pets, often more than the experiences I’ve had around other people. I’ve always been able to intuit animals feelings, and have had great success communicating with them throughout my life. I appreciate the experiences greatly, and I know I will always have pets and share my home with these Feelings Made Real. The feeling every pet has made real within me, has been Love- which is the Godforce itself in action.

I have noticed that people who do not have any pets are either extremely emotionally healthy or more likely have disconnected from emotions entirely. Those that have an excessive amount of animals, are usually excessively emotional. This is no judgement of character by any means, although now I am with just Wally, at one point we owned 23 beasts, sooo..)

My theory needs experiments and results to solidify more. So I’d love feedback from pet owners who are curious about what their animals represent, especially pet owners who are very in tune with how they feel and can label each subtle feeling from another.

To test this theory, ask these questions:

What emotion do you have about your favorite pets? What emotion were you experiencing strongly and having to suppress, or what emotion was getting unmanageable within you when you first manifested them into your life?

What emotions do you experience just before they begin paying close attention to you or wander up on their own?

If there was an emotional state that each pet represents for you, what would it be?

It can take a while to evaluate. Since we manifest in real time, become aware of what topics you discuss with others and how you feel when your pet comes right up to you. It’s especially useful to note what you’re feeling and thinking when a pet comes up from elsewhere and ‘demands’ food, because that would relate to the feeling being strong within your energy, and needing external support because You’re feeling that emotion being suppressed or unsupported within You, thereby manifesting that emotion needing to be fed. I’ve noticed cats are easier to pinpoint than dogs because they aren’t pack imprinted, making it clearer to notice Your emotional state when they do feel pulled to you. Dogs tend to hang around their person’s energy field regardless, which says to me the emotions they represent are probably felt more often.

Please comment below if this resonates with you, and if you test this theory and have results to share, or if you have any questions about anything in the universe, please write to

As always, I’m patiently awaiting your consult.


Empaths, Narcissism and the relationship dynamics of imprinting

Empathy: knowing exactly how another feels in any set of circumstances, usually by virtue of having experienced the same circumstances

Empath: a person who easily picks up on how others feel emotionally, even without communication.

I am an Empath. I am an extra sensitive in many ways, and what defines an Empath is being able to pick up on other’s moods and feelings even when the other tries to hide it — sometimes without wanting to. I began wondering a few years ago why I and many others have this skill, so I began to research the psychology, psychic attributes and even the biology surrounding Empaths. What I found was fascinating, and led to me uncovering some deep truths that may help others with the same curiosity.

Biologically, we each have an electromagnetic energy field we emit that reaches several feet beyond our body. As newborns, this field picks up signatures from the fields of our caretakers. It’s part of the internal system (along with mirror neurons in the brain) that trains us to mimic adults so we can begin to survive on our own- to feed and clothe ourselves and remember dangers and how to avoid them. This is called imprinting. Being able to pick up on moods around us makes us better able to survive, to decide if we are safe and can relax or if we need to take action in some way. This means that our parents imprinted upon us by their relationship with each other and with us, “This is what Love looks like.” If they had bitter arguments, a breakdown in communication, violence or a divorce, we internalize it deep within our psyche and no matter how good our adult relationships begin, or our intention going into one, our imprinting begins to show up, a shadow of the past casting darkness on the present. Watching a parent get their feelings hurt and say nothing, sacrifice them self for the other without thanks or acknowledgement, being disrespected repeatedly without consequence, or turning to someone outside the marriage for fulfillment instead of having adult conversations within the relationship concerning needs and boundaries, becomes part of what we inherit. “This is what Love looks like, and what I should subconsciously expect of relationships.”

There are many events we have all experienced and internalized in our childhood that need to be evaluated from an adult perspective if we want to promote self esteem. (Such as, A parent or teacher saying “That’s wrong, that’s stupid” becomes internalized as “I’m wrong, I’m stupid.”) We take these on as judgements of our character and actual worth instead of a commentary on our actions, and in this way we erode our self esteem over time by repeating, “I’m wrong, I’m stupid, I’m worthless” to ourselves when we make mistakes.

(Meditation, Tapping therapy and shadow work are the only methods I’ve found that enabled me to stop that voice from deciding my moods for me.)

Empaths often become involved in relationships with Narcissists because of this imprinting. I discovered why after thoroughly researching Narcissists, and realizing that I am what is termed an “Echoist” – a person who has very low inherent self worth and relies on others to decide who and what they are. This term refers to Echo in the Greek mythology, who can only mimic others due to a cruel curse by Hera for the crime of incessant chatter.

(Empaths, who pick up other’s emotions and have trouble distinguishing their own, all fall on the scale of Echoism)

Narcissists and Empaths/Echoists are two sides of the same coin, neither of which spends well in relationships. We are created in the same manner, and it is my conclusion that it comes down to personal sensitivity and security as to how we develop either a narcissistic or empathic/echoistic personality. Narcissism is usually a male trait, because our culture disdains sensitive men, thus making a tendency for Narcissism when a sensitive boy has to shut down his feelings (disregard what you feel, feel how I tell you to) to “be a man“. This begins as early as age two by something as flippant as “hush up, boys don’t cry” being said to them.

Both Narcissists and Echoists saw parents who displayed, “My feelings are more important than yours,” and both answered “yes, ok” for survival. The difference is, a Narcissist internalized this as “Ok, Personal feelings must be made more important than other’s to make myself happy “ (because the parent’s personal feelings trumped theirs to make the parent ‘happy’ during that circumstance) and an Echoist internalized it as “Ok, Other’s feelings must be made more important than mine, to be accepted and make myself happy.” (Because the parent displayed anger, rejection and frustration when asserting a circumstance’s needs over the child’s)

You can see how this makes us dynamically magnetized to each other, and also how this sets Empaths up for always being taken advantage of.

Empaths/Echoists become super attuned to others, because the more we intuit about others the better we can react to them, and the better we can adjust ourselves to get their approval, and approval equals happiness for us. This ability, to tune into others, served us very well in connecting with our family, because by also having no personal boundaries or by not feeling secure enough to demand an inherent right to be ourself, we could easily adjust to be what THEY wanted. We internalized that in order to receive love and connection, we needed to be what others wanted, and that being fully ourself was a way to experience personal rejection and family disharmony.

Narcissists learned to disconnect completely from how others feel, except in cases where they found they could manipulate how others felt in order to get approval or their agenda through. Narcissists learned to DO as others wanted, through Overt manipulation tactics (such as Love bombing, brown nosing or excessive gifts) where Empaths/Echoists learned to BE what others wanted through denial of self (never setting boundaries and having a loosened sense of self, such as pretending interests in what others like and giving time to doing them just to spend time together) and using Covert manipulation tactics.

Neither of us have ever learned healthy ways to communicate wants and needs or get positive attention, because we never saw it displayed or had it taught to us.

We are the same in that we have had events happen in childhood that left us with a deep feeling of abandonment and rejection, yet we have different ways of managing it. We are both trapped in self concepts of fear and deep insecurity, and we are both extremely needy, because our imprint of Love is so dysfunctional and because we both feel we were neglected and dismissed totally by our parents.

To give an example of how the same type of event can create completely different reactions and coping strategies, I’ll share some insight I’ve found in my own shadow work.

My father was a Narc, loud and demanding. My mother was a wounded and sensitive woman, “trapped” in a marriage all her life that brought her deep unhappiness. After many years with Narcissists, sensitives learn that Narcissistic tactics work well in getting their own needs met. When I came along late in life, she envied the attention my dad gave me. At age five she told me my father never wanted me and wanted to abort me, and that he would have preferred a male to help on the farm. My father came in later that day and yelled at me about the toys and books I had strewn out. I internalized these events as, when someone yells at me it’s because they wish I wasn’t alive, are angry I exist, and I was born all wrong to receive love (gender wise). My father rarely interacted with me beyond yelling, and after yelling he often went weeks without so much as a hello, but that gave me time and space to forgive him as I felt loveable when he didn’t tear me down.

What this means for me? When somebody yells at me about something they perceive I’ve done wrong, I’m triggered into near suicidal thoughts almost immediately, and the feeling of self hatred used to take days to shift away from. When I get upset, I tend to retreat and avoid, giving the silent treatment often, because I want to avoid being made to feel that way again and I need time to forgive and reset my self esteem.

My husband, on the other hand, had a childhood going through many many foster homes. (23 in ten years) When adults yelled at him, they were very direct about his actions. He picked up that if he didn’t change exactly according to what they yelled about, he would soon be shipped off. He came to see yelling- one of the few interactions he would have with foster parents- as an act of love. To him, being told loudly exactly what he needed to do to remain in the presence of a caretaker (and the availability of love and survival) was one of the few forms of love he was offered. For him, yelling is an expression of care, because once his guardian didn’t care, there was no communication at all, and then he would find himself abandoned and sent away.

So yelling = love to him, hatred to me, while prolonged silence = allowing space to love myself and forgive others for me, and displays hatred or lack of love and a signal the relationship is over to him. The same event of yelling or silence becomes filtered through our imprints, causing VERY different internal thoughts and feelings and therefore external reactions.

As you can imagine, we had a FUN relationship.

Narcs are people who embody “show me I’m loveable, by giving me love- I prove my worth by receiving love” while empaths embody “when I give you love, you’ll show me I’m loveable – I prove I’m worthy when others accept my love”. This comes from different perceptions of the same types of family dysfunction. Both are prone to manipulation tactics, because they are learned methods of receiving the love you are coming into the relationship begging to be shown. We are the same, we just developed different coping mechanisms, neither of which is healthy or balances well within relationships. One makes others feel better at the cost of being unauthentic and makes the self feel worse. One makes others feel worse at the price of making the self feel better.

Empaths/Echoists are prone to toxic people because of their inherent lack of selfishness to even consider that it’s healthy and proper to set boundaries AND still be giving. It’s healthy and proper to see the good AND the shadows in people and use discernment without judgement to choose to not allow them to take advantage of us. We have to learn to love others in ways that don’t make us love ourselves less, or we are in a self defeating cycle. You must know and respect your boundaries or yes, you will get taken advantage of. They will take advantage of you not sharing those unknown boundaries, and cross them.

Narcissists are less prone to realizing OR overcoming any of their shadow, because the pattern for them is to see that the only issues must be in the other person, and then move on to new energy to manipulate. Self reflection and inner work don’t usually appeal to them at all, unless they can get their energy needs met while doing so. Personalities built upon “show me love for worth” don’t fare well entering a space where they have to face everything unloveable about themself, because it threatens identity on an even deeper level than for an empath. An empath/echoist has motive to change- “doing this will make your love more acceptable, thus making you more worthy” versus how a Narcissistic pattern internalizes and perceives suggestions as, “you aren’t worthy of love unless you change yourself this way”, and the patterned responses when faced with self growth issues create goals for an empath to achieve and walls for a narc to break down. It’s not exactly easy for anyone to admit to faults and issues, but less so for narcissistic types, since it is based upon other’s needs and wants for respect taking priority, something not in their imprinting of how to get love.

Narcissistic people are less prone to realizing change, because the imprinting for them once their energy supply becomes wise to their tactics, is to move on to new energy to manipulate. Once an empath/Echoist has boundaries they can affirm in a loving manner, these narcissistic types simply move on. You literally won’t connect. The polarity of how the empath approaches relationships shifts, so what they attract and allow shifts. Often, embodying what an Empath deems as selfishness is what’s required to end a toxic relationship for an Empath.

Shifting your imprinting and how you relate to others is certainly NOT easy or something that happens overnight. It involves going into the darkest parts of yourself and admitting fault about reactions and misperceptions repeatedly. It involves becoming someone who constantly watches their thoughts and who is able to control them self into becoming non reactive, while not numbing yourself against feeling. This means becoming aware of patterns and triggers which will continually pop up over seemingly frivolous things.

Sent into a rage because some guy cut you off in traffic? Address your anger over powerlessness and disrespect that actually caused you hurt and grief and danger in your past.

Parents were very busy and uninvolved when you were young? It’s probably contributing heavily to your present day depression and feelings of low self worth. Go within and rationalize to your inner child self that lack of time never necessarily meant lack of love.

Having crying jags and supreme irritation lately because of the news about school shootings? Enter a heart space within and search your memories for buried feelings about betrayal by neglectful or ignorant adults who were supposed to keep you safe, and address the fear, anger and powerlessness you personally picked up because of bullies, abuse, exclusion or rejection in school that you experienced.

Once you’ve found a memorable event, or “Shadow” that’s haunting your moods, emotional stability and relationships still, go within that memory movie and sit down with your child self after it plays. Talk to the part of you that was too young to understand adult behavior, the one who internalized these events and now causes you to react childishly and act out in ways that cause you to feel bad or have breakdowns in relationships, when those same feelings get triggered now. Sit there with that child self and allow yourself to actually feel those feelings deeply instead of suppressing them. Love that part of you. Explain things to child-you from an adult perspective — that your parents did their best but really didn’t know what they were doing. Explain that the circumstances caused them to treat you that way, or their ignorance did. Tell your child self what you need to hear — that You is kind, You is smart, and You is important!

Parents are good people who mimic what was done to them by their parents, with only slight tweaks as culture has changed going back many generations. This is part of the whole “forgive them for they know not what they do” spoken of by a wise man long ago. (If you’re a parent like me, you need to forgive yourself for unknown imprints given to your own children, too)

This is called Shadow work, and it is hard and demanding and takes time, persistent motivation and self love to do.

Narcissists and Empaths attract each other because vibrationally we feel the same: not convinced we are love able without using our learned manipulation tactics.

Empaths later tie selfishness up with thinking highly of oneself, and subconsciously reject both, because we’ve wrapped them together due to our bad relations with Narcissists and others who have an overinflated sense of self esteem.

It’s entirely possible and healthy to be selfish in certain situations- in fact it’s part of setting healthy boundaries and demanding respect from others, and shows self love in that it asserts that you deserve relationships you don’t have to completely change who you are to be in. It’s also very healthy to think highly of oneself, for without solid self esteem we never move into our true power, because we place our desires below everyone else’s at all times, and drain our self motivation away.

What can you do about this?

When you find yourself having poor communication or troubling relationships, remember:

What I see and judge in others is what I judge and reject within. I would not have strong emotions unless the situation was in some way touching on an internal trigger.

For instance in the case of witnessing Narcissistic types: you see selfishness as completely bad and wrong, and feel hurt when you see it displayed, this means you reject it, and reject the part of yourself that needs you to be selfish and demand respect from others by setting boundaries. Selfishness is a part of a healthy self loving person who places boundaries and honors them despite how it makes others feel. If you continually reject selfishness that means you’ll alway act selflessly, and be taken advantage of and only attract those who are wholly and unhealthfully selfish. If you want to attract someone who has a healthy balance of selfish- and selfless-ness, you have to achieve that within yourself.

“Shadow work”- illuminating what darkness in your past clouds your present interactions, and thus your future if you don’t become aware of it, can unearth your issues and triggers and lead you to coming to know your boundaries in a relationship.

The method I use is also described in Teal Swan’s books and videos.

You can find more detailed information about Imprinting, relationship dynamics and the Imago Effect in the book by Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love you Want.

Jayson Gaddis has a good podcast on this subject too, the Smart Couple Podcast.

Tapping therapy, written about by Nick Ortner in several books is a Wonderful method for clearing emotional blocks and building self esteem. (Brad Yates on YouTube is like an awesome Mr. Rogers for hurting grownups)

Journaling letters to parents expressing our feelings for imprinting that doesn’t serve us is great too, for releasing frustration, embarrassment and resentment at self for “being this way”. (Not letters to send, for our parents are a product of their childhood, so on and so forth, a ‘karmic tie’, if you will, that you as a sensitive are here to shine a light on and heal for future generations.)

Creating an actual list of what you NEED in a relationship is an invaluable tool for becoming aware of what your boundaries should be. It also gives us a way to be able to communicate our needs directly instead of holding partners to expectations they are unaware of. To do this, look at a time in your life where you were in a happy relationship and performing at your best, and ask how and what needs were being met that created the conditions for you being your best self. Decide which of those conditions contributed the most to your success at that time, and evaluate where your boundaries should be to give you the opportunity to be your best and happy self again.

MEDITATION is by far the greatest tool in the discovery of self knowledge necessary to begin to create healthier relationships. Just ten minutes a day will lead to amazing changes within.

Finally, educate yourself. There are tons of videos available on YouTube or podcasts you can put on while relaxing, being artistic, cooking, driving or doing housework to help you find tidbits of knowledge that will lead to self knowledge and a better understanding of how to have positive relationships.

As always, I’m available for consults as well :).

Namaste and Blessed Be, dear ones.

Dear Reader, 

“Dear Reader,”

Only two words. Created out of an English Alphabet that has twenty six letters, and some billion available combinations recognizable to English speakers. A title of affection, and an adverb describing whoever is translating those letters and words. Yet, you, Dear Reader, easily comprehend and process this. You easily recognize that these two words are directed at you, and were created by intelligent design. The letters did not self organize, falling out of nowhere to address you. They did not randomly appear on this site by chance, nor did they evolve out of the Alphabet or take an anthropological leap out of the dictionary.

They were created, which is a literal and logical statement of fact.

Your DNA, 46 paired chromosomes, each chromosome a code written in amino acid base pairs, is the same. Such complexity could only exist if created and ordered by an intelligent designer. Each snippet of code is written for different functions, organs, and gene expressions. Any changes in the code, the whole organism may not work, or completely different genes may be expressed. To believe such complexity happened by Chance, even Evolutionary chance, does not hold with reason. The probability for such diversity and perfection in DNA code to arise by itself, is beyond zero. It would be the same to expect an explosion in an iron mine to produce a working Boeing 747. Simply put, the universe itself would have to be three times as old as our best measurements estimate it now, for chance to evolve basic lichen… and ten million times as old to evolve basic land mammals… quite plainly, if evolution without intelligent design were the reality, we would not exist to question it here and now. The very fact we have the mental ability TO doubt it, actually confirms the existence of God, Source, Intelligent Design.

So, we establish awareness of an intelligent Designer, a Source of all energy, God, the Divine, the All…

Dear Reader,

Though no sound waves were produced just now, you both “heard” those words, and “spoke” them where you could comprehend them, in a “vacuum” (where sound waves cannot travel) known as your mind. While your vocal chords and jaw would give out after a full day of speaking, your inner voice is with you narrating every moment of your experience, tirelessly. This inner voice is in constant flux, moving from one thought or image to the next, every second of your existence. It is going so consistently that many people have trouble shutting it off at night.

This is because Thoughts, a power of intelligent Design, create our reality. Just as a computer must have programs running in order to stay functional, so too our existence must have thought-programs to stay functioning. Consider that when you lose consciousness, you have no control over your body or experience anymore.

Your ‘programs’ stopped running, and your system ‘rebooted’.

Your existence and Consciousness depends upon your thoughts, and the Quality of your Thoughts determines your Existence, literally. Our Science has even proven this  again and again in Quantum Physics – we, as Observers, affect our reality, and we as Creators, create our Experience. If our thoughts continually run ‘programs’ of images of things we do not want, (worries and fears) and our Emotions (Energy in motion) fuel that choice of experience, we will create it within our reality. If our Thought programs run visuals of things we DO want, (hopes and dreams, with Emotions fueling the possibilities) without visuals of what we don’t want running counter to them and overriding them, we will Create a more preferable Experience. This is the basis of our reality, proven by Science and by many of my own personal experiences. This Knowledge is what my writing here will be focused on, sharing how I have learned to train and control the mind my Intelligent Creator gifted to me, and in so doing Awaken more Intelligent CoCreators here on this Dimensional level, and together Create a World more preferable for all of us.

First, Dear Reader, im sure you’re questioning how this can be so, and perhaps you doubt your power to create your world, since like me, you’ve experienced many instances of seeming helplessness, feeling attacked by life events, or are offended at the idea that you create reality because you’ve experienced hardship and suffering and know you would never bring such an experience upon yourself willingly. I resisted the idea at first as well, since I’ve had a myriad of tragedies, from poverty, to widowhood, to chronic physical ailments and abusive or neglectful relationships. It took me quite a while to accept my role as the creator of these experiences, but after deep and lengthy analysis (and a lengthy, unhealthy and unproductive  bout with denial,) I now Know those experiences were the result of my thoughts, awareness and beliefs. If you are angered by this idea and wish to close this site for now, I understand, but hope curiosity brings you back when your indignation cools. Once this knowledge is Known, it cannot be ignored- only learned about and used to better your future manifested reality. You ARE the Creator of all your experiences, and until you accept responsibility for your past, you will struggle with Creating a different future. You have to realize that by accepting your past, you realize your power to change your future. If you come from a place of victimhood, where life has been done To you, you cannot step into the role of Creating a better life, as only those who know  they ARE creators, can create.

Do not doubt your power. Your mind is so advanced that it transcends space and time daily merely by translating written words. I wrote this on a lonely mountaintop just north of the Grand Canyon in Arizona, in October 2017. You are most certainly not ‘here’, nor ‘now’. Yet you have within you the power to slip into MY thoughts and musings, and bring them into YOUR awareness in YOUR ‘there’ and ‘then’, which is my future. Have you ever considered how strong a power this is? Before this ability, our ancestors were little more than a pack of nomadic, smart monkeys, yet now we terraform Earth and have conquered surviving every corner and niche available, even the vacuum of space. We are so much more than we give ourselves credit for, the only beings on Earth capable of changing the whole planet. We are not just intelligently Designed – we are quite obviously part of the Intelligent DesignER, to have been given such abilities to mold our planet. How we choose to use these powers will create our great grandchildrens’ very World. I do not write this as a platitude, but as a literal reminder to each Dear Reader…

And there it is, that voice again…

Consider, if you are a part of The Intelligent Designer, and language is one of the greatest powers designed, perhaps at Some Point, that “voice that makes no sound waves, and hears without eardrums”… perhaps that voice, when the human ego is made still and quiet, could be coming FROM The Intelligent Designer, for the Purpose of ‘Perfecting’ the experience of the Design.

If Designer Created All, there can be no wrong or right, no Good or Bad, only experience. Through the experiences, however, adjustments are made as to “this experience is preferable to this one,”  to create order in the Universe, to keep Creating new and more preferable forms. Destruction is rarely preferable, only as a means to have more material or space for more preferable Creations, for Creating anew. This is the Way of Creation, evident in every cell of Nature.

Dear Reader,

Being a part of the Intelligent Designer, and being the most intelligent form of the Designer that exists in this Creation right now,

Realize- You Are a fractal of the Creator, entered into physical form on this dimensional level, for the purpose of experiencing its own Creation in order to discover which experiences are preferable, and to face challenges so you may grow as a Soul.  What is the point of life? To Really Live, and choose your own path, and walk in this physical plane  as a separate part of GodSource so that One may experience being Many and apart.

Life is a Choose Your Own Adventure book. What stories are you writing?

Homework: choose a sign or symbol, one you don’t readily see everyday, and ask the Universe to show it to you three times within the next three days. Concentrate on the image you choose for at least 17 seconds, sitting in the feeling of wonder and amazement you will have when the Universe shows you how closely it’s paying attention to your thoughts. Don’t doubt your power to manifest – and don’t fret over the details of How the universe will bring this sign to you. The All works in perfect synchronicities every day. Especially concentrate on the sign before bed or at the end of a meditation. I promise you, this sign is just the beginning of your Magic works. Watch your world bring you what you wish to see.

Meditate. Instructions on how to still the mind and listen to your inner Creator can be found everywhere on the internet. (a marvel of human intelligent Design, I must say- a comprehensive collective mind stored outside a perishable biological body- like Intelligent Designer Itself!) For beginners, focus on simply stilling the mind chatter.

Listen to your deepest Voice, that one speaking without Fear, and you will Know this as Truth. There are many Universal Truths. I as a writer will try to share all the truths I have known. I welcome feedback and questions, topics for discussion, and most especially, book recommendations!

Namaste : my Soul honors the place Within you where Your Soul resides, or,
Blessings and Honor to the Creator within You.

Moving toward unconditional love

In order to revolutionize humanity, we must all become balanced and in control of our emotions, even when another’s behavior causes us pain, so we can treat them with love, patience and kindness instead of being automatically driven by Warmongering emotions such as resistance and denial.
To react in anger is to invite regret. To respond consciously with love is the trait of a true adult who has moved past their emotional conditioning and societal programming and can see the bigger picture – until we can learn to love and accept others we have no chance of a positive future. Until we learn to love ourselves, we cannot show others love or real respect.

The universe is a mirror. It shows us what we need for our Soul to Perfect. It gives us challenges that spur inner growth and the consideration of Ever Higher perspectives as we mature. Rejecting Those around us is to reject a part of the All That Is, and so is to reject the part of ourselves we see in them.

Consider this carefully. Within your relationships, what you see and hate in others is what YOU need to accept about yourself. A selfless person will be run roughshod by selfish people. A person with repressed anger will pair up with an angry person, and have many things done to them until they finally get mad and stand up for themself, thus accepting that anger is a worthy part of their character too.  The mirror in the world around you where you see reflections of negative traits, is showing you where you need to heal.

So many people point at others and demand they change, when the universe can only reflect each individual’s mirror. This means, when inner work is done and true emotional healing occurs, the outer world automatically shifts to show a different and less dramatic reflection, as we attract what we put out. When we begin to come from a place of stronger self esteem and less wounding, our energetic signature raises in frequency and our reality reflects that. If we take time to step away from our mirrors, go within and find what needs to be healed, we can begin to learn to love others deeper and easier. Consider meditation! You will not regret coming to know your true and deepest self.

If we want a better future, it is self evident we have to be more loving, even when others are childish and demanding. That is the mark of a mature adult “parent” figure – one who comes from a place of centered calmness and understanding when the children are overwhelmed with emotion and have tantrums. To meet others with like aggression and anger serves no purpose because no one is presenting level headed solutions, just exacerbating the existing problem of discord. We must come from a place of sovereign serenity. To do that we must be ABLE AND WILLING TO ACCEPT OTHERS, AS THEY ARE. To do that we must accept ourselves AS WE ARE. To do that we must learn to love ourselves. To do this we must heal our emotional wounds and accept ourself. ONLY through this path will we have peace and security.

It is my intention to empower others by describing my own path to learning self love and respect, sharing how I overcame my own childhood conditioning and negative thought patterns, and by providing tools for emotional processing, healing and connecting.

Contact me for personal counseling :

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